im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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