how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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