I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Terrible idea I love it
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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