Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ketchup is God's man juice
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
