i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
