Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
