Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
