a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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