I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
