just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
