There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
