I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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