I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.