now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I need a burrito and a hug.
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?