and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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