The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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