so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
