why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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