I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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