so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
