I murdered the dance floor call the cops
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
