So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
