Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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