the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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