Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize