I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
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Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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