News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
