Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
