Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
