so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We smell like vodka and hangover
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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