I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
