hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
this beer tastes like vomit already
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
