i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
