why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
