your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
