Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I want a musical about memes.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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