I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
