A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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