I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
