And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
