Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
