there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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