I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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