Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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