Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
