yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
