soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
