I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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