need another drink. this is the easiest way
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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