i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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