Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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