Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
