my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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