My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
