i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
