I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
