I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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